Change

Haven't we all struggled with this? Seriously, all women do. I think. Maybe even most people in general do. This is so beautifully said by the wonderful Marjorie Hinckley. Her words are always so real. 

This is more of a "my life as of then and now" post because I feel that there has been such a big change. I much needed change. Something that I have been craving, but didn't quite know how to get it. I would like myself to remember this time in 5 years (maybe even in 5 days) that life feels really good. 

Utah was good to us. Texas was better. In both places I became a mom to a new little person(s). In both places I fell more in love with Brian and learned to adapt to different situations with him. In both places I took on several roles and responsibilities to share in the providing of our family. In both places we were happy, each place adding more happiness than the last. Provo was challenging because we felt ages away from where we are now. Texas was challenging because that phase felt so close and yet so far. His job there offered different frustrations and the unknown time frame of being there was daunting, at least to me.

We lived in a house from the 1920's that had known holes in the roof that actually didn't give us any problems. It was a drafty house and I swore I would never live in anything so old ever again. The energy inefficiency was enough to drive me crazy. Then we upgraded to living in a house from the 1950's....and once again I have sworn that I will never live in a house that old. It had no known leaks or holes that proved to be a year and a half of flooding from the ground up and pouring (literally) from the ceiling when the rains came. Once again, the energy inefficiency drove me up the wall. 

Teaching in Provo was incredibly fun and rewarding. My kids were small enough and still hadn't hit the naughty/mischievous stage yet, so teaching was incredibly rewarding on almost all fronts. Teaching in Texas, although rewarding in it's own respect, made me stretched too thin and I felt like my responsibilities to my family were lacking and even absent at times. I didn't spend time with Claire after school. I yelled....a lot. I let the TV babysit them far too often. They cried. They screamed. I felt like I was neglecting a big part of my life that I wanted to have back. Dallas was challenging because to do anything took hours. We were in the car most of our lives, or so I felt. Getting Claire from school was at least two hours a day. Going to the store was the same. The house we lived in felt impossible to keep clean and because of that, I felt like I had a never-ending to do list that only got longer with each minute. Part of that must have been that I was constantly scooping water out of our playroom by the bucket fulls, cutting holes in the ceiling for drips, or observing the growing mold problem that only I was truly dealing with. My shoulders felt heavy and I didn't feel like I was really being the person I wanted to be. We were in "that phase" and I didn't know how long it would last. It was almost as if I was trying to fill every possible moment with something to do just to pass the time and I filled my time with things that didn't really make me happy. I didn't fill it with my kids, or my spouse. I didn't fill it with trying to be a better person. I justified my selfishness because "we didn't have the money" to help in various ways. It wasn't our situation that really made me suffocate but more my frame of mind. 

I know this sounds terrible, but Hailey is a demanding child. She thinks she's a first/only child and deserves all the attention the world can give. She was so frustrating to teach piano with. She needed so much attention and I felt like I couldn't give it to her and in turn was frustrated with her most days. Bedtime was the most cherished time of day solely because she went to bed (not saying that I don't still cherish bedtime...every parent should). In short, my enjoyment in motherhood was pretty low. There were times where I wondered why I would ever want more kids and most of the time didn't really enjoy the ones I have. 

Then there's now.

Brian just got his first real job. We bought our first house. We still have one car. I stopped teaching piano. Claire is truly happy at school for the first time. Our kids are growing up, which is both incredibly fun and exciting, but also a little devastating to watch time pass so quickly. We live in a small town. Brian takes the car to work most days and I am stuck at home to come up with whatever adventures I can think of. We love the change in the weather (which may not always be the case, but I have to remember that winter is beautiful and the change in season is refreshing). Not teaching has given me enormous stress relief that I have needed for years. I have all the time in the world to be with my family. Jared has started his mommy-Jared preschool in our "new school" aka the loft and he raves about it. I tried to do this before, but was so inconsistent and life just got in the way. I have started re-teaching Claire the piano (a work in progress). Hailey and I like each other all the time. She is quite the hilarious human being and I am always laughing at her. We snuggle. We laugh. We play. All of us. We are working toward recovering from being poor for all of our marriage and while the task is very daunting, we are excited that it's finally possible. Simplifying our lives and getting rid of excess is so exhilarating. whether it be stuff, debt, responsibilities, chores, etc.

"We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us."

 That feels possible. It feels real. And it feels so, so good.