My Thoughts on Seizures

People have told me that I'm strong because I've handled a week long ordeal of Claire in the hospital. I've seen her in ways that I've never wanted to see her and I hoped and prayed that I never had to see it again.

My first thought is that I haven't seen anything in comparison to some of the people I know. Take Brian's friend, Natalie, who has her children in and out of the hospital for what seems like every day. Kidney transplants, surgery, never knowing if their results are going to come back good or bad. I can't even imagine how that must be. Another woman I know had a hard time getting insurance coverage for her son because he was epileptic. Ugh. I know they have medication for these things, but it would still put me on edge.

I ran into the bathroom last night to see what was happening. She's had several fevers since April to ease my fear a little, so I wasn't  terribly scared at this point. I opened the door and she was shivering, but looked scared. I scooped her up, ran to the couch, ordered her temperature taken by Brian (100.4 - not too scary), and then we just weren't sure what happened. She started grinding her teeth and wouldn't open her eyes. There was no convulsing even. She was just acting weird and then we couldn't get her to wake up or respond to anything. So, we went to the ER and it took her about 30 minutes before she acknowledged anything around her. So, that was the beginning.

Here are my real thoughts as everything is happening so fast: I'm terrified. Terrified. I can't stress it enough. I start to shiver, not because I'm cold, but because my body is almost in shock or something. The entire ride to the hospital I was shivering like I was sitting in ice, but my cheeks were red from me being so hot. My heart beats faster and I feel as if my stomach is going to explode. This persists until the fever breaks and we get of the meds.

I start thinking all the negative things I shouldn't. What if she never wakes up? Coma? What if she has brain damage? Oh no, her words are slurring....does that mean something? I can't imagine losing a child and I really don't know what I would do if did. I start to regret every bad mommy moment I've ever done. Especially now, it's hard that she's such a stinker of a two-year-old and sometimes I get so angry. Then this happens and I hold her so close and tell her how sorry I am. She's perfect and will always remain so. I could never get angry with her ever again because I love her so much. I want to keep her safe forever and never let her go.

Our nurse looked really scared and kept telling us how scary this was. I could see it in his eyes. Since this wasn't our first time I knew not to take any stock in his fear, thank goodness. I put a cold towel on her to get her temperature to go down a little bit. It seemed to help. Have you ever felt so helpless with your children? My goodness, it's the worst feeling in the world. Our doctor was fantastic, her urine culture was negative (yay), and we were sent home with a possible viral diagnosis.

She woke up at 5 this morning dry-heaving. I picked her up and she vomited a little. Maybe the flu? Not that much vomit....maybe not the flu? She went back to sleep. I started shivering. I just get so scared. I slept in their room the rest of the night. The truth is that I'm weak and scared. I "deal with it well" because well, what else am I do to? I'm sure, if put in the same situation, you would do the same.

The good thing is that she's acting normal this morning. Still has a fever, but is still stealing toys from Jared and refuses to call me "Mommy" (it's always "mom" and I don't like it). That's my Claire!