Good Mom/Bad Mom Dilemma

If you know me at all, I'm terrible with words. Terrible at getting the point across that I'm trying to make and struggling to do so. I don't always think before I speak and I may or may not offend when I don't mean to. So... just know that I try to put up a good point every now and then, but probably will ramble and somewhat fail.

Moving on.

I admit. I suffer from this good mom/bad mom syndrome every single day. What is a good mom? What is a bad mom? Why do I think about this all the time? Why is my parenting so much more inferior? My husband doesn't understand this. My mother doesn't understand this. My friends empathize with me. But myself....me...we struggle.

A good mom is someone who reads to her children every day of their lives. The TV is never turned on. Their kids frolic through nature learning every ounce of information about this beautiful world. The child reads before they're born and can sing the ABC's and count to 20 before speaking ever hit toddler-hood. They do creative things with their children. Their house is clean. They serve their neighbors. They do their visiting teaching -on time, every month. They never gossip. A child's (or any) birthday party is something that you'll find on pinterest and envy for every birthday after. This woman is always beautifully dressed and polished. She weighs the perfect amount. She cooks dinner and has the next day's nearly prepared in her mind. She is able to switch from exhausted mommy to sultry and sexy hot wife as soon as the children are in bed and the door is shut. (I mean...who is this woman? Seriously, if I find her I'll let you know.)

A bad mom is simply one who is not....all those things.

This. Is. Exhausting. Every day, no matter what I do, I have felt like a failure (until recently...which we'll get to later). If I went to the store, the library, read to the kids, played toys with them, sang songs, changed every diaper, held my temper with a potty training accident, and taught them something new...I would still fail? WHY!? Because I let them, oh I dunno, watch a cartoon...and didn't you know, "good mom's" don't do that. I'd go to bed each night praying and pleading and asking how to be a better mom. How can I deserve these incredible little people that I love so much when I'm not doing all that I can. Claire is three years old and she can't read. I read on someone's blog that their 3 year old reads, so clearly I'm a bad mom. She is barely potty trained (which I don't care what people say to me on that one with what we've been through with her urinary tract). I didn't start reading to Jared until a couple of months ago and was worried that he would never look at a book in his lifetime.

I could go on and on....

Why did I think this all the time? There is something annoyingly addictive about reading about other people's lives. What they're doing. Their grand ideas. It shouldn't drag me down, but the more I read, the more incompetent I felt. I'd be playing with my kids hoping I could leave the room soon and go online to find more interesting things to do with them....but then I'd never do those great things I found. It was never enough. Even my very best friends...I'd get so jealous. My child's birthday was not that memorable nor did I take as cute of pictures. Claire's princess party was fun for her, but I didn't even dress up like Aurora like I wanted, nor did she have a room full of new princess friends to play with.

I tried cutting out facebook and only reading blogs that I knew wouldn't make me hate myself. It didn't work. The damage was done. I wasn't good enough. Was I ever going to be? How could we ever have this third baby that we're hoping to have one day when I can't even be successful with two?

A couple of weeks ago I had to speak in sacrament meeting on a topic given by the Spirit. After an incredibly successful day full of fun things to do with the kids, I sat down to write my talk (yes, feeling like I still didn't do enough for the kiddos). Sigh....writing a talk....It spoke to my soul and humbled me, but also brought a light into my mommy-soul that had been blown out. Elder Scott's talk, For Peace At Home, was everything I needed to hear to wash away all of my feelings of inferiority if I would only listen and do what he said. I never grew up having FHE, reading family scriptures, or saying family prayers. I am here to tell you that it works. It's what matters. They are the support beams to our family and they strengthen us every day. It's just amazing to me how the feeling in my life has changed just by doing these things. I try my hardest every day to be the best mom I can, and if I have a bad day...it's ok. I'm human, right?! (By golly, I'm allowed to have a hard day. Movies are supposed to be fun, so bring on the popcorn! )

Point being: I'm so grateful. I'm grateful that the truth is what heals our soul. I'm grateful that it helps us become who we want to be. It helps us think better of ourselves. We all need a good self-esteem boost once in a while and it's nice when it comes from the little devil inside of us. :)